5 Lighthearted, Funny & Realistic Wedding Ceremony Readings

Readings are a wonderful addition to wedding ceremonies, as you can get friends and family involved, and you can really use them to show your personality, style and feelings.

This selection of poems is great for those of you who aren't into all the lovey-dovey stuff, and if you can't help cringing or rolling your eyes at most of the readings you've found so far. They have humour, real-life situations, and light-heartedness, and still describe love and relationships in a very sweet way.

 

Yes, I’ll marry you by Pam Eyers

 Bride and Groom holding hands

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear.

And here’s the reason why.

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry.

And if we hear a knocking

And it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch you see,

And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it.

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!!!

It’s you who has to work the drill

And put up curtain track,

And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I DO, I DO, I DO!!

 

Wedding Day by Robert Palmer

 Bride with flower crown looking at her groom

The day of your wedding

Is a time to reflect

On the things you can hope for

And the things to expect.

You could hope for great riches

Huge bundles of cash

But then lose it all

In a Stock Market crash

Or you could hope for

A life of great ease

With the time and the money

To do as you please

But it’s better to hope for

The good things in life

Like a long happy life

As husband and wife

Like the smile and the kiss

As you walk through the door

And the baby that wakes you

At a quarter to four

And a life of variety

With sunshine and rain

And Frosties for breakfast

Instead of champagne

Expect times of anger

The occasional huff

Because no one annoys you

Like the one that you love

But don’t look for problems

That the future may bring

Just to love and be loved is a wonderful thing

Life’s not all plain sailing

Not always a ball

But I know you’ll be happy

Because love conquers all.

 

Falling in love is like owning a dog by Taylor Mali

 A dog with flower wreath at a wedding

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,

especially in a city like New York  [change as appropriate]

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you’re walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain’t no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

 

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

 

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

 

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

 

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.

It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds around and around you

until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

 

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

 

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops.

 

I Wanna Be Yours by John Cooper Clarke

 It was always you wedding door sign

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots

I wanna be yours

 

I wanna be your raincoat

for those frequent rainy days

I wanna be your dreamboat

when you want to sail away

Let me be your teddy bear

take me with you anywhere

I don’t care

I wanna be yours

 

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out

I wanna be the electric heater

you’ll get cold without

I wanna be your setting lotion

hold your hair in deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean

that’s how deep is my devotion

 

'The Book of Love' by Stephen Merritt (The Magnetic Fields, from the album 69 Love Songs)

 Newly married couple laughing by a lake

The book of love is long and boring

No one can lift the damn thing

It's full of charts and facts and figures

and instructions for dancing

 

But I, I love it when you read to me

And you, you can read me anything

 

The book of love has music in it

In fact, that's where music comes from

Some of it is just transcendental

Some of it is just really dumb

 

But I, I love it when you sing to me

And you, you can sing me anything

 

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

 

But I, I love it when you give me things

And you, you ought to give me wedding rings

 

I, I love it when you give me things

And you, you ought to give me wedding rings

Danielle Balmer

Your Day Ibiza, 37 Carrer des Cubells, Eivissa, PM, 07800